A letter to my large neighbor

BTW, this letter was never sent. I am not mean. Some of my writing is just a means of venting.

Dear tenant in 3C,

I’m not sure if you’re aware, but every time you move the floor creeks and I fear you will fall through my ceiling into my apartment. I know this apartment building is old and floors will make settling noises, however the noises I hear coming from above are not settling noises. They are the noises of a support beam being tested in a very severe fashion.

Seriously, what do you do up there? I’m guessing you are not a slight flower, and then likely not exercising. You do dart around pretty quickly. Do you make those fast, heavy movements when you need another sugary beverage? Perhaps it is when you need to go to the bathroom because you've had too many sugary beverages. Nonetheless, your footsteps are very heavy. You’re likely not doing it on purpose (I’m not sure I could make that much noise walking around even if I tried) so I can’t just get a broom and start banging on my ceiling for you to stop. Although I have never met you, you are quite possibly obese. I can’t ask you to stop moving. I’m not going to request you become lazier and continue to sit around accumulating inches around your waistline.

You must be enjoying a few days off from work because I now hear you more frequently. Usually, you only bother me in the early morning when I’m trying to sleep or late at night when I’m trying to get some shut-eye. Your timing is poor and I take that to mean you are a very busy person who works long hours. I say work, but that is an assumption. It could be that you’re just gone from your apartment for a long time, or that the times we’re home do not typically match up.

In summation, you bother me. I fear for the structural integrity of our building. I wonder if you can hear yourself. Are you bothered by the impact of your size? Or have you become so used to your girth that you do not notice? You make me wonder if the person below my apartment can hear me as well. However, I find it hard to believe that I would not be able to hear the noises my feet would make, just as you can hear the sound of your feet impacting the floor. Please request to be moved to a first floor unit where you won’t bother and scare other residents.

Sincerely,

Your neighbor