How soon is too soon for shorts?

There are some mixed views on the point in which it is warm enough to wear shorts. It is pretty straight forward to me for many reasons, and if you are confused you probably have raised a few eye brows with your fashion choices. I'll come right out and say it. You probably frequently look like a moron. Yes sir, I am talking to you. Mr. Macho who thinks wearing shorts when it is not warm enough is manly. So, as a public service I will enumerate the signs you should pay attention to when deciding if shorts are a good option.

• First, do you feel the need to wear a coat, jacket, or sweatshirt along with the shorts? In this case, it is more than likely that it is too cold for shorts. If you leave the house in shorts you will look like an idiot and if I see you on the street I will not feel bad about giving you the stink eye. 

• Is the person walking down the street next to you wearing a winter coat? See above. 

• Is there still snow on the ground? I know, some times the temperature hits 40 degrees in the winter time. This "heat wave" does not give you permission to break out the shorts. It is not okay. 

• Think about where you are going. Are shorts appropriate? In most cases the answer is no. Especially when the weather is questionable.

• Are your shorts made of jean material? Tread lightly. This is often a recipe for fashion disaster by itself. There is no need to pair poorly timed apparel options with blue jeans. 

• Is your excuse for wearing shorts that you do not have anything else clean? You should stop being a lazy slob. Period.

• Are you at the gym or about to participate in an activity that will raise your heart rate? If not, shorts are not appropriate.

For some reason the people who break out their shorts too early in the season are the same ones who refuse to wear coats and jackets or at least refuse to zip them up. You are not fooling anyone. No, I do not think your body is warm. No, I do not think you can't tell that it is cold outside. Instead, I think you are an idiot with no fashion sense with no desire to present yourself in a self respecting manner. Take some care in how you dress!

If I had the inclination I would design a gauge, kind of like a thermometer, telling people when certain clothing is appropriate. It would illustrate the temperature range when shorts are appropriate, as well as Ugg boots, knitted hats, and other seasonal clothes that people tend to extend past periodic wear. Maybe color coding would be in order. Anything to make it easier for people to understand. Help is obviously needed.